All the Pines Feels

This post was less about making a point & more about writing out all of my feelings about camp. If you actually read it all the way through, thanks for bein’ a pal! If you read it all the way through, not knowing it was going to be so long, I apologize. Go get yourself a cookie and pat yourself on the back. You deserve it!

Once upon a time, when I was 11 years old, I went to The Pines Catholic Camp for the first time.

Side note: I just freaked out a little bit because I realize now that was 10 YEARS AGO. Oh my. Someone get my walker. 

It’s funny when you look back on certain moments in your life; you don’t realize that the big things are going to actually be big things until they’re long over. For example, I had never been east of Dallas until this 6th grade fall retreat. I had never been to a camp before. I had no idea that this place would have such a huge impact on my life, that I would be forever changed, and that the Lord would do so much in my heart there. Truth be told, I can’t even tell you what that first retreat was about. However, I can tell you that I had a great time with my friends, I went down the zipline, and I started thinking, “Maybe summer camp would be fun!” And that thought alone changed my life in so many ways than I realized it would at the moment.

All I knew about summer camp was what I had seen in “The Parent Trap.” So, really, I had no idea what camp was actually like, let alone how the Catholic faith would be incorporated into it. But the next year, I did something uncharacteristically courageous of my then-12-year-old self: I asked my mom if I could go to camp that summer, alone. I recognize this as divine intervention, because I was THE shyest kid in the world around people I didn’t know. I would never talk in groups unless I knew someone, because I never really knew what to say. But I guess even at that age, I knew there was something special about this place, and that I wanted to be there. My heart is full when I realize how much the Lord would have in store for me that summer, and the next 7 after that!

Summer 2005. Yikes, amirite?!

That summer changed my life in so many different ways. Not going to camp with any of my friends from home allowed me to be more vulnerable. My counselors were amazing, and it was so important for me to see that college students actually thought being Catholic was cool. Most of all, I was able to really encounter the Lord for the first time. I was going through a really difficult time in my life during my first summer at camp, and God used those two weeks in Big Sandy to lay the groundwork for a lot of healing in my life. At the end of those two weeks I cried because it was over, but I immediately started my countdown for the next summer.

The summers of 2005-2008 brought me so much joy and so much love, some great birthday celebrations, and lasting friendships — some of those friendships I still keep to this day. Each summer I got a little less awkward (I think…) and a little more comfortable with myself. I learned more and more about the faith. I was definitely that camper who absolutely loved her counselors. They were the women that I wanted to be when I grew up. They made sure I knew that I was loved: not only by them, but by our Lord. They gave me some amazing advice that I still remember to this day, and introduced me to some of my favorite verses in the Bible. When I was a camper, all I could think was, I wonder what it would be like to be a counselor when I get older!

I love reflecting on my time at camp because, now that it’s over, I am able to see God’s plan at work the entire time, and there is no greater joy than that. During my last summer as a camper, I had no idea that while my time as a camper was ending, a whole new chapter of my life was waiting to begin not even two years later, in the exact same place!

Summer 2007. Best cabin ever!

I was never a counselor-in-training, choosing instead (after talking with one of my counselors!) to go on a mission trip to Mexico with my high school youth group. However, after seeing so many friends I had been campers with go through the CIT program, get their camp names and then go on to work as SWAT, I knew that I wanted to follow in their footsteps. When I was finally old enough to be able to apply for SWAT, I jumped at the opportunity. The moment that I received my first offer letter to work at camp, my heart swelled with joy. I couldn’t wait to get out there and be back at camp! But again, I had no idea what the Lord would have in store for me in that summer and the next three to follow after that. Similar to my first summer as a camper, I only knew two of my coworkers going in to my first summer on staff. Officially introducing myself by my camp name and getting my first staff polo were such surreal experiences for me. How incredible to be able to serve at the place that gave me so much during middle and high school!

SWAT 2010…St. Therese, pray for us!

Summer 2010 can be summed up in three words: service, humility, and community. The only thing more amazing than the community of The Pines campers that I was apart of is the community of The Pines staff. I had never experienced anything like it. I have met the most amazing people during my time working at camp, and have learned so much about choosing joy and dying to myself for the sake of love. Being on SWAT was a wake-up call for me, and helped me grow in humility and in service, following the model of St. Therese. My SWAT sisters & I grew so close to each other and they are still some of my best friends to this day. I could write an entire blog post on my SWAT experiences alone. After the month I worked at camp in summer 2010, I was more than ready to come back the next summer!

From experience, I can confidently tell you that every camper at The Pines thinks about what it would be like to be a counselor. Every camper wants their own camp name and a group of friends as close-knit as the staffers that serve them each day that they are at camp. After 4 years, I can also confidently tell you that the bonds the staff have with each other are as authentic as it gets. If I am called to marriage, you can bet that much of my bridal party will be sisters that I met through working at The Pines. Ever since summer 2005, I had dreamed of being a part of this amazing group of people and being a counselor, getting to give back to a new generation of campers and hopefully making an impact on their lives in the way that my counselors had done for me. In summer 2011, the Lord fulfilled that desire of my heart — times ten!

My co’s, Ally/Quaffle & Elizabeth/MMMBop, from one of my favorite cabins of summer 2011!

Summer 2011 was, in a word, incredible. In another word, it was challenging. Staff training was so much fun, but so scary — I was convinced that everything was going to go wrong, every day, all summer. I was terrified of being a bad counselor. However, I was surprised at how naturally being a counselor came to me! I had 8 amazing cabins that summer full of beautiful young women and precious little girls, and I got to co-counsel with some truly amazing women. Being a counselor definitely had its challenges, but the Lord used each of the trials I faced to strengthen me and help me grow as a person. I can honestly say that, even in the midst of all the craziness and unpredictability at times, I loved every minute of it.

Coming into that summer, I was between colleges and had absolutely no clue where I was going to be in the fall. While experiencing everything that comes with being a first-time counselor, I was also trying to figure out what school I was going to be at (and if I was going to be in school at all.) When I wasn’t with my campers, I was trying to sort out my school plans for the fall. The community that I was surrounded with helped me SO much during this process — they were a constant source of support, love, and sometimes, the push that I needed to get things done. During the closing prayer service of week 8 that summer, when I was finally able to say that I was going to be a student at Texas State, the love and the hugs and the joy that I received from all of the staff members was incredible, and honestly one of my favorite memories ever. I can never say enough good things about those people. After my last week as a counselor, I remember talking to my mom on the phone. She asked me, “Now what?” And I said, with exhausted enthusiasm, “I’m going to do it all over again next summer!”

Female Staff 2012. One in Christ!

In the summer of 2012, I was a counselor for the second time. It was just as amazing as my first summer, except I knew the schedule better than I did the summer before. I had 7 more incredible cabins, and had so much fun getting to know a whole new group of campers! It was mind-blowing for me that each summer I had been at camp, while equally amazing, was at the same time better than the last. The whole time, God was at work in my heart. He taught me to be humble, but confident, and to not be afraid to love myself. He constantly showed His love for me through my amazing coworkers, and the ways that He revealed His glory to me through my campers was absolutely incredible. While I wasn’t sure what God had in store for me for the next summer, there was an inkling in my heart that I wasn’t quite done at camp yet.

At the end of summer 2012, it was suggested to me that I apply to be on senior staff, to be the Head Female counselor. I had never been one to seek out leadership positions; I’d have much rather followed and and let someone else take the lead. However, the thought of me being Head Female worked its way into my heart and never really left. I decided to apply, not really knowing what to expect. When I got offered the job, I was excited, but overwhelmed — could I really do it? After speaking with a couple of good friends, I took the job, and the Lord once again got to work in my little heart!

There are only a handful of moments in my life that I can look back on and be absolutely certain that I was fulfilling the Lord’s plan for me: being Head Female this past summer is one of them. I loved every minute of it! The whole summer felt almost like a dream, like it was almost too good to be true that this is what the Lord had called me to for the entire summer. Being the head of such an incredible group of women was humbling, inspirational, and such a blessing. The women that I was able to lead taught me so much in that summer; I don’t think they realize how much I’ve learned from them. Getting to know each of those ladies and their hearts was such a gift, and I continue to thank the Lord for it regularly.

Myself, Mama Mary & my successor for summer 2014: Lana/Magnificat 🙂

Alas, all good things must come to an end. At the beginning of this Christmas break, I was able to spend one final weekend at this incredible place that has impacted me beyond belief. I learned so many invaluable lessons about God, the Catholic Church, what it means to really love, to die to yourself, and what it means to have true joy. The people I have been surrounded by for the past 4 summers have seen me laugh, cry, and everything in between. The laughs have been plentiful and the struggles have been real. The women that I have worked with have shown me so much about what it truly means to be a woman like our Blessed Mother. The men that I have worked with have been great brothers to me and such wonderful models of St. Joseph, constantly lifting myself and the rest of the female staff up. I can confidently say that I would not be the woman I am today had it not been for the ways that the Lord has worked in my heart during my time at The Pines. I’ve seen the camp itself grow and grow, and I’ve seen so many campers’ lives change because of the ways the Lord uses His willing servants.  All of it has been incredible and beautiful, despite all of the trials and hardships. My heart hurts at the closing of this chapter of my life. But I know that I truly am the better one for the knowin’ of this camp. From the bottom of my heart, thank you to everybody who has ever impacted my life through this amazing place. When I count my blessings, I always count all of you first.

Go trees & God bless.

Revelations in the Hair Salon

(Hello, WordPress! I haven’t posted in forever…hope this makes up for it!)

I’ve always felt uncomfortable in hair salons. I’ve just never felt like I “fit in.” There are always exceptions, obviously; I’ve had some really nice ladies cut my hair over the years. For the most part, though, I ve never liked going to the big, upscale salons. They’re just not very, well, “me.”

Take now, for example. I’m sitting in this extravagant, expensive-looking salon, waiting to get a simple hair cut. They take walk-ins, and my normal hair stylist is either booked this week or out of town, so I ended up here, five minutes from my house. There are expensive hair products of every shape and size and for every purpose lining one wall. You can hear the high tech blow dryers whirring. On the opposite wall, there is an assortment of makeup: every brand I can think of, more shades of lipstick and eyeshadow than I can count. Right in front when you first walk into the door, a display of sparkly bracelets and dangly earrings is there to greet you. In the back of the salon, I can actually see some Ugg boots and large belts with huge, rhinestone-studded buckles on sale.

Enter me, dressed in a t-shirt, Nike shorts, leggings and Chacos covered in paint as a result of some volunteer work I did earlier this week. My hair is up in a ponytail and there is no makeup on my face, as per my usual. I have some errands to run after I’m done here, and, in my eyes, it really doesn’t matter what I look like–until I walk in here.

There’s a reason I don’t go here to get my haircut regularly: I simply don’t belong here. I know it. The people working here definitely know it. Every time I come in here I feel like I’m being judged. One time in high school, I came here to get my hair cut and they actually forgot that I had walked in. By their standards, I am not beautiful. I am nowhere close. I am Mia Thermopolis before Paolo turns her into a princess. I am Katniss Everdeen before Cinna and his prep team transform her into the “girl on fire.” I am a contrast against all of the daughters and mothers who are the regular customers, who buy all of the products lining the walls, who are striving for the world’s definition of beauty. I don’t value aesthetic appearance like they do. They notice this by the way I dress and look. At this salon, aesthetic appearance is their business, but it’s also their lifestyle.

I smirk to myself, sitting here and waiting for someone to come and start massaging my scalp and washing my hair. I smirk because they can give me all the judgmental looks they want, but I know something they don’t know:

I actually am beautiful. But I don’t go by the world’s definition. I go by the definition of He who created the world Himself.

“For you formed my inward parts,
you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works!”
Psalm 139:13-14

“Let not yours be the outward adorning with braiding of hair, decoration of gold, and wearing of robes, but let it be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable jewel of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious.”
1 Peter 3:3-4

Now, I want to clarify something. If you know me, you know that I am not exactly “a gentle and quiet spirit.” And that I braid my hair. A lot. The message to get from this is that the world bombards us with all of these images of beauty and all of these impossible standards that we are never going to reach. It’s exhausting, and I for one am sick of trying so hard to be beautiful by the world’s standards. God already sees me as beautiful, as captivating, and as absolutely breathtaking. And here’s the kicker…I didn’t have to do anything to earn His love. I was born with it.

It still blows my mind when I sit back and think of this fact. The world is a harsh place and I have to remind myself of this fact every day. But the fact that I have to remind myself of it each day does not make it any less true. It’s the ultimate truth, when we think about it. It’s true for all of us, every day, all the time, no matter what.

Stop striving. You are good enough. Know that, and rest in His love.

Remember that next time you find yourself feeling insecure in a hair salon like me.

The ‘thing’, the ‘friend zone’, and becoming who we ought to be

It was suggested by my friend Mary that I blog along with The Bright Maidens today. Their topic of the day is emotional chastity. Oooooooh jeez. Disclaimer: this is in nooo way suggesting that I am anywhere close to being an expert on emotional chastity, or any form of chastity whatsoever. Like, at all. I chuckle thinking about this topic because, now that I actually know what it is, I see how prevalent it has been at points in my life. But I absolutely LOVE talking about all things related to relationships, theology of the body, womanhood, and chastity, so this will be fun!

Dating has basically become extinct in our society. So many girls have had their hearts broken by boys that they weren’t even dating in the first place. Girls become so emotionally involved with boys before the relationship is even established, and they end up giving too much of themselves too quickly. They aren’t single, but they aren’t together; they are simply “a thing.” This ambiguous term has become so freely used in our society today. “Are you guys together?” “No, we just have a thing.” “What is going on between those two?” “Oh, they have a thing.” Give me a break. Real talk, ladies: if a boy isn’t man enough to put a label on your relationship, then he isn’t worth it! Simple as that.

This is not to say that all men are bad. I have heard many a girl say, “There are no good guys left in the world!” I must disagree. A very important part of emotional chastity (and chastity in general) is friendship. We can whine all we want about that one boy who will only ever see us as a friend, but maybe being stuck in “the friend zone” isn’t such a bad thing! Having strong, uplifting friendships with our brothers in Christ can be very beneficial to our journeys to holiness. Sometimes, the strength of a good man offered in friendship is just what we need.  Now, it’s true that all solid dating relationships stem from strong friendships first. However, we have to be careful that don’t go into every friendship with a male thinking, “Oh, we’ll be dating in the future.” It is important to realize that there are many good men out there, but that they are not necessarily yours.  *Hint: this is where emotional chastity comes into play!

These men should be appreciated for the good friends that they can be to you. I’m fortunate enough to have the friendship of some really great men, and their strength has helped me grow in my relationship with Christ. Their presence in my life has given me hope, and in a crazy way they have helped me on my journey to becoming the woman I have been created to be. So, shout-out to all of the great men out there: keep doing what you’re doing, because you’re helping us ladies who are striving for holiness more than you know!

I know it’s much easier said than done to stop making up stories in your head about marrying every boy that you meet and Facebook stalking him to your heart’s content after meeting him once. Every time you feel tempted to do one of these things, say a prayer instead. Grow in holiness and strive to become the woman that the Lord created you to be, and eventually love will make its way into your life without you realizing it. Jason & Crystalina Evert in their new book How to Find Your Soulmate Without Losing Your Soul (I HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT) say, “You will become more attractive to the person God has in mind for you when you become the woman that God is calling you to be.” How true this is! Another favorite quote of mine states that “A woman should be so lost in God that a man has to seek Him in order to find her.” Both of these quotes recognize our higher calling as humans: to live and love freely in the heart of Christ. Once we focus on this, everything else will just fall into place.

So sit back, relax, log off of Facebook and enjoy the friendships you have made! Keep on helping each other strive towards holiness, and the Lord will take care of the rest. God bless!

Love until it hurts, then love some more

That quote by one of my favorite women who ever lived, Blessed Mother Teresa of Calcutta, has been like a neon sign buzzing in my mind lately.

How often do we get to the “until it hurts” part and give up? How often do we shy away in defeat and put walls up when love becomes difficult?

After much reflection, I realized that I do this more than I’d like to admit.

About a week and a half ago I started to feel a little lonely. Well…lonely isn’t the right word. More like ignored. Unheard. And when I’m in a bad mood, I tend to think about other things that put me in a bad mood, and sometimes I just like to have my own little pity party by myself (I hope I’m not the only one that does this…). I started reflecting on all of the times I have put forth an effort to maintain relationships with others and all of the times that the efforts have not been reciprocated. I was in daily Mass one afternoon and I just started praying that God would take away my desire for these relationships in my heart, that He would help me to forget about these people whom I loved so much, and that He would set my focus on Him and Him alone.

It’s not bad to desire Christ and Christ alone, but we have to remember what we were created for.

We were created for relationships. We can’t survive on this Earth without them. God reminded me of that when, all of a sudden, the next week, I ended up catching up with and having great (and unexpected) conversations with a few friends whom I hadn’t talked to in awhile. That, plus a homily the following Sunday on forgiveness that included an invitation to let God heal the wounds given by those who have hurt us the most, has me thinking that God is definitely telling me something here. And when God speaks, you listen!

We were created for relationships. We can’t survive on this Earth without them. How could I forget?! Silly, human me. Through loving others, we reflect the love of Christ. We love Jesus better by loving His children. I took a palm to the forehead when I realized that loving Jesus through loving His children was literally my job as a camp counselor this summer. Wow. Way to forget that little tidbit, Rebecca.

Thankfully, we have a merciful God who forgives us when our human nature causes us to fall short and we forget our true vocation in life: to love. To love each other, ourselves, and Jesus, to the best of our abilities. Even when it hurts. Especially when it hurts. We weren’t promised that this life would be easy; we were only promised that it will be worth it. And it will be. Our reward in Heaven for sharing Christ’s love with others will be epic! I wish I could describe it more, but I won’t know till I get there 😉

“Love until it hurts, then love some more.”
Through loving others, we reflect the love of Christ.
We love Jesus better by loving His children.

I don’t have much else to say, so I’m just gonna leave it at that. May you all have the courage to love until it hurts each and every day!

P.S…I’m clearly not an English major, so I apologize if my posts are in any way incoherent or make no sense or don’t “flow” very well. I’m doing my best. My mind is kind of all over the place so…sorry for any confusion!

My vocation is Love

Well, hello there, WordPress!

Yes, like many, I have decided to jump on the blogging bandwagon. It’s partly because a) I needed another procrastination tool, b) My friends like to post beautiful things on their blogs and I can’t officially “like” them until I have a WordPress account, and c) Sometimes I actually have profound things to say that I’d like to share with people. Also, seeing as I’ve just begun a new chapter in my life, I’d like to vainly think that some people would like to keep up with me and see how things are going (probably not, but whatever.) So, let’s get started!

For those of you that don’t know me (I don’t know why anyone would read this blog unless they knew me, but whatever, to each his own), my name is Rebecca. I’m a 19-year-old psychology major at Texas State University. EAT ‘EM UP, CATS (I’m still working on the whole “school spirit” thing)! I like sunflowers, country music, Disney movies, college football, guacamole, and other various random things. I also love photography, but a lack of my own SLR camera gets in the way of me pursuing this hobby further. Maybe, eventually, hopefully, this can turn into a photography blog, as well…

Above all, though, I am Catholic. It is my favorite part about me, if I’m going to be honest. I try to live every day for Christ and glorify Him in everything that I do. Mama Mary has been a big help along my faith journey, especially recently, in helping me to become the woman that I was created to be. I don’t know exactly where my life will lead me, but I’ve learned the hard way that God’s plan and God’s timing are always perfect. For now, the only thing I know is that, to quote St. Therese of Lisieux, “My vocation is love.”  And my goal for this blog is to document my life as I try my best to live out this vocation.

Well, that’s about all I’ve got. You’ll learn I’m really bad with conclusions. God bless! 🙂